Mr. Robert Cinader
(Internet)@Cyberspace. life.2.al. (after life)

Dear Bob:

Remember The Caucus? Arthur Wong's Far East Terrace Chinese restaurant across the street from Universal Studios?? Remember that?? How you started us?

Remember the Sportsmen's Lodge on Ventura Blvd.?? Where you selected the original Twelve Angry Men and a Secretary/Treasurer??? And you called us "The Hyphenate Lobby?"

That's 20 years ago, Bob! Ain't that somethin'? 20 years ago!!

Things have changed. Your Hyphenates still holler and dis each other but we always keep gluing together the paper of your tiger. Oh, humph, they've changed your name. We now call ourselves "The Caucus for Producers, Writers & Directors" and your original rag-tag army of 11 Hyphenates has grown to more than 200 members!!

Can you even imagine that? Over 200 members?!!

And we're fancy now. We've had meetings with Pete Wilson, the Governor of California and Jack Valenti, the head of the MPAA. The four network presidents all have been guest speakers at our meetings.

Oh, geez, you didn't know, huh? Four?? Yes, there are four networks now. The same Old 3 you knew, and now a new one called "The Fox Network."

How'd that happen? Remember Barry Diller, a junior agent at William Morris? Well, he lost his hair at William Morris so he went to work for Rupert Murdoch, an Australian newspaper publisher who dumped Australia to become an American so he could start a new television network and brilliant Barry did it for him.

So now Barry is rich, but he didn't get his hair back.

You think that's weird? How about the monster moguls Lew Wasserman and Sid Sheinberg coming to work at your old studio, in white rice-powder make--up wearing hand-woven kimonos and brandishing samurai swords? Every day! You got it, Bob. The Japanese bought Universal Studios and the m.m.'s (monster moguls) work for them.

You want to know how that happened? Another kid from William Morris named Mike Ovitz also left to open his own agency, and became Top Dog in the world of 10%. He did the Japanese deal. And remember the kid Billy Haber? He left William Morris with Mike and you wanna talk about big-time changes? Billy now speaks French and lives in a chateau outside of Paris.

You wanna hear more big-time and more changes? Aaron Spelling? One of your original Twelve Angry Men? He ain't angry no mo', Bob. He built himself a 56-room mansion in Holmby Hills and Prince Charles of England when he visited America, made a pit stop at Aaron's and now Aaron has a new series he's pitching about how Prince Charles gives up his Throne, leaves Di, and moves in with Aaron and works for him as a handyman around the house and it's called "Royal Flush."

As that smoking Ad says, "We've come a long way, baby."

Oh, but wait!, Gee!, Ahh, you're not allowed to smoke anymore. Huh? Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. It's banned. Very few places left to 'do it.' And in those places when you light up people stare at you like you're an ancient disease. You know, like the lepers or the old bubonics.

And oh, the cop shows, like you used to produce and write, Bob? Hmmm. You don't anymore sit in an alcoholic smoky empty pizza carton office with your typewriter and spitball ideas. No. You get into a real police car, carrying a lap top computer to digit-byte your story as you secure yourself in the car with seatbelts that face an airbag that smashes into your face if someone in another car smashes into you. And you speed off to a Hollywood gang-bang, rape, homicide, mutilation; and as you write, as the blood flies around your face, as the screams of helplessness shatter your ears, your words are faxed immediately to a TV station that's putting them on the air as you write them, entertaining millions of smiling, happy, mind-dead couch potatoes.

Feel a little bewildered? Ready for crazy? Two kids named Menendez shot their father and mother, said they did it, explained how they did it, and a jury couldn't convict them.

And Arthur Wong's Chinese restaurant where we started? Don't go back there. I think it's a video porno shop. That means they sell video tape movies of people doing 'the nasty.' And there's a hot new porno where a guy's wife (true) did to his penis what is done with great ceremony to newborn baby Jewish boys and the guy says he still wants to go back to his wife because they've sewn his pee-pee back on and he says it works as good as new and he feels it's community property, but she's happy working at her new job in an Orange County butcher shop.

Oh. Wow! Wanna hear a truly wild, wild one!?

Ageism. I can't explain it and it ain't gonna make any sense if I do but I think it means that when you're finally good at what you do, when your talent has been honed, polished and matured to the highest renderings of your ability, you're no good to do it. Huh? Whuzzm?

Now that I think about it, Bob, I'm over 40 so I shouldn't even be writing this.

So bye, Bob.

Jimmie