A JOB APPLICATION

Recently, there was a motion picture in which a sports franchise plucked a fan from the stands and handed over the reins of the team to the eager onlooker. I suggest a network do the same and hereby apply for the position.

I do not seek a long-term post. Somewhere there is a network honcho who has compiled an oversupply of sick days and needs the time off. Six months would be enough, I think. The network executive could recharge his or her energies, and I would be given sufficient time to implement the following changes and thereby change the face of the medium forever.

First, any network programming executive who was found to have Clearasil in desk or purse will be swiftly escorted from the premises.

Any network movie advertised with the phrases "based upon" or "inspired by" may not star any performer under 21 years of age who is currently starring in a sitcom for that network.

Network programmers will be required to wear blindfolds at all pitch meetings. This will allow them to be neutral in regard to cleavage, trendy ear studs, or the color of the pitcher's hair, or lack of same.

Dramatic directors who open scenes by shooting through aquariums will be shot. Probably by a second unit.

Writers who pitch concepts to the network most show some ability to actually write. Going to the right parties, the correct fund-raiser, or leasing a humvee will not be considered "writing."

Actors will be informed that wearing an Aids ribbon twice a year does not excuse boorish and unprofessional behavior during the other 363 days.

All producers of series dealing with the paranormal will be expected to wash Chris Carter's automobiles at least once a week. And, yes: Armorall.

Writers who use the following dialogue:

"Look."

"No, you look."

will be shot.

"Reality based" programming will not be permitted to put anyone on camera who wears a hairpiece.

A manager, agent masseuse, lover, or relative of the star who demands Producer/Executive-Producer credit will be asked to direct a scene in which there is an aquarium.

Soap operas will be required to have one actress who is twenty-three pounds overweight, is delighted with her life, and whose sexual gifts steal the her away from a character named Jennifer, Tiffany, or Shane.

An finally, the network programming day will be trimmed back. This will enable Conan to get the teeth capped and Greg Kinnear to realize that, what-the-hell, it was worth a shot. The end of this broadcast day will, on all networks, end with the following crawl:

Life is complicated. Joyous. Sad. Hilarious. Painful. As much as we need to laugh and to be entertained, so do we need to think and turn away from simplistic and easy answers. We need to embrace truth with the same love with which we embrace our children. In fact, our children and the truth are surely the same thing.

We now end the broadcast day.